You know that feeling that arrives the moment you see someone you’re attracted to for the first time, and the fire that ignites the moment they see you the same way? The intensity and passion feel like fate. Like love has finally found you. Until it ends.
I’ve been in love four times, and every time I’ve been devastated by it. Like in bed for six months, barely able to function and longing to rewrite the ending.
My love stories have easily been the most amazing and painful experiences of my life.
It had been more than a decade since I’d been in love when that feeling unexpectedly arrived over happy hour with a good friend in the summer.
He and I had come to know, like, trust, and respect each other. Our paths moved parallel over the years, and at the occasional intersection, we’d connect to catch up on each other’s lives.
It was always easy; a fondness between us where the fire could exist without threatening the lives we were living.
Now he’s sitting across the table from me. His dark eyes and bright smile are so warm. He’s relaxed and open, comfortable being himself. His presence is intentional. He sees me. He’s always seen me.
The fire.
This time is different, not only because my personal circumstances have changed, but because we’re both on our own paths toward spiritual awakening. He has spent many years developing his inner world. I have only cracked the surface of mine.
We are no longer meeting at an intersection.
Our paths have united.
I wanted intensity. I was willing to give myself away again, to let the fire rage. He gave me connection and care.
When I pushed for passion, he could not be seduced. He told me, “I want to give you all of me, but I feel it’s important to spend time building strength in ourselves and each other.”
His words disoriented me and challenged beliefs I didn’t know I held about men and my value.
They unraveled me, but in the best way.
Becoming centered on my own axis for the first time in my life, I realize the feeling that arrives, ignites, and consumes is not genuine love. It’s a need to have and be had, to possess and be chosen.
Genuine love liberates. It is an abundant resource that becomes available only when we are whole and secure within ourselves and no longer need another person to complete us.
When we love and are loved without condition or need, no one stands to lose themselves.
I have only ever lost myself in love.
I have gone all-in every time, giving my time and energy to the other person without their permission. I prioritized their needs over my own. I was always available instead of living my own life. I neglected things I loved doing.
I led with my sexuality because I believed that was my value.
And intensity felt like love.
I understand now that sex without a deep connection is often based on the projection of a fantasy that has little to do with the person in front of us. It’s a raging fire that consumes until neither person can breathe.
When the fire finally suffocates, we are left to rebuild our lives from the rubble.
There is no shame in our desire.
If we only want physical intimacy, desire serves us well.
But genuine love requires depth.
It requires us to hold, not deny, our desire and channel our energy into developing a connection based on truth. We need to fully see the person in front of us and reveal ourselves fully to them. The complex, beautiful, wounded, flawed, and ever-evolving humans we are.
It is then in our choosing each other that our deep desire resting within our eternal flame, burning at the center of our soul, is stirred and our physical union becomes an expression of our love.
This is the gift he gave me.
Now, in the quiet space of my surrender, my whole and true self is emerging.
A new chapter of life is beginning.
To be continued…
